Into Becoming:

being here with
what's next.

Into Becoming

Reflections

Another me is always becoming

There’s a woman I'm still excited to meet. She’s older than me and is quieter within herself. Instead of rushing through her day with inexplicable urgency, she moves through the world with a steady sureness. I believe she is me, and I'm becoming her. But right now, I am not her - yet. She and I are still in progress together. But she is being built, right now, in the foundations of everything I'm living through. In the decisions I'm making and the also ones I am avoiding.

Mar 13

The Violence of Needing to Know

You want an answer right now. I know, I get it. You want someone to tell you what to do, how this ends, whether the thing you’re feeling is the right thing or the wrong thing or the thing that will save you or the thing that will ruin everything. You want certainty the way you once wanted love, desperately and with your whole body, convinced that without it you won't survive the night. I know because I've been there too. Standing unsure in the middle of my own life with my ha

Mar 8

Redemption or Recovery?

Oh how we love a before and after story. And I can fall into the seductive trap of telling my journey that way in order to excuse my past and justify my present. That version of the story involves the fall and then the redemption. Where I did terrible things, hit rock bottom, saw the light, and emerged on the other side as someone worthy of respect. Someone ‘cleaned up’ and redeemed. And it's a valid story in many ways. It has a clear plot with a satisfying resolution, and

Feb 24

The Voice

The 'Ah ha' moment and that voice. When you realise that the voice in your head is actually not you. At least, not the whole of you. And this is huge! When I fully comprehended this I felt the clear shift. The voice nagging you daily is not the final authority on who you are, what you're worth, or what is going to happen next. It’s just a voice, a part of you, not all of you. Yep, it’s annoyingly loud most of the time, it’s persistent and convincing. But it's not you. You're

Feb 24

Past Perception

The past is not going anywhere. This is the thing I remind myself of, and try to accept if I want any chance of being free of it. Whatever happened, happened. The childhood that shaped me, the relationships that grew me, the years I lost to survival or addiction or silence or somebody else's chaos. None of it can be undone and there is no amount of therapy, breathwork, journal entry, or nightly rumination's that will reach back through time and make it not have happened. The

Feb 23

How free do you want to be?

This was a question that was put to me when I began turning my life in another direction. Sober living gave me a new way of being in my life but once the drinking stopped and the dust settled, that question made more sense to me. How free do you want to be? Because getting your life back is not the same as knowing what to do with it. Once the immediate danger had passed and I was no longer in survival mode, I was left standing in the middle of a life I hadn't consciously and

Feb 23

Acceptance can be a quiet whisper

We are sometimes told that things will work out. That if we try hard enough, hold on long enough, believe with enough conviction, the outcome will eventually swing our way and sometimes it does. Sometimes the fight pays off and the story bends toward the ending we wanted. But not always. And yet nobody talks enough about the not always. Because sometimes you do everything right and it still falls apart. Sometimes you fight with everything you have and the thing you were fight

Feb 22

"Hello, I'm Anxious, nice to meet you"

I used to say it with such certainty: I am anxious. I am overly sensitive. I am thin-skinned. What began as an observation slowly hardened into identity. It stopped being something I experienced and became something I believed I was and once a trait fuses with identity, it no longer feels like a choice. You stop examining it and you stop challenging it and you simply inhabit it,. None of it was entirely false. I am prone to anxiety and I do feel things deeply. I've been afrai